Hogwarts: A Romantic Comedy
by LeMaki
Summary: A series of Harry Potter poems. Join our friends as they discover just what it means to be in love and the value of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer! Complete crack.
1. One

**Author's Notes:  
About a year ago I got a holiday job as a temp secretary. And I kid you not, in a normal 9-5 workday, I did about an hour of work, max. So what did I do to fill the hours? Rather than twiddling my thumbs, I wrote a series of Harry Potter poems! I posted them on Facebook (they were a hit, I'm not gonna lie) and then forgot about them. So imagine my shock when I found them saved on my computer today! There are three of them, so I'll post them in order. Enjoy! :)**

**Warnings:  
Femmslash and slash, but you don't have to take it seriously (in fact, don't). **

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It was a warm day at Hogwarts:  
Harry was sitting by the lake,  
Hermione was in the library,  
Ron was eating cake.  
(He filched it from the kitchens -  
Dobby didn't care!  
Winky just sat in the corner,  
So Ron swiped her Butterbeer).  
Harry was terribly bored!  
"Oh, to be entertained!" he cried.  
"The monotony of schoolwork is so great...  
And Potions... My god", he sighed.  
Hermione was reading a book -  
What else would you expect?  
And when the girl behind her made some noise,  
Guess whose nose was promptly decked?  
Ron was just eating.  
The poor boy had no mates.  
His freckled face and ginger hair:  
They're exactly what Harry hates!  
You see, JK Rowling lied:  
These three never clicked.  
Harry actually married Draco,  
And Luna was the one Ginny picked!  
Slash is beautiful, my dear friends.  
The Hogwarts students are all gay!  
So let us rejoice and sing our praises!  
One, two, three:  
HOORAY!


	2. Two

**Author's Notes:  
Here is the second installment! I might wait and see how this goes before I post the next poem... I've written it, but posting all three in one go might make this story go completely unnoticed in the deluge of fics that are posted every day. Enjoy!**

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The weddings were in winter:  
Freezing cold, and covered with snow.  
Don't bother telling me that it was a bad idea…...  
Believe me: I was there, I know!  
Ron was not invited.  
They thought he didn't care!  
(He wasn't their friend, after all.  
And gatecrash? He wouldn't dare).  
The men's outfits were fantastic:  
Draco wore a red tie,  
Harry wore a green hat;  
"Beautiful", the guests did sigh.  
Nobody cared that they looked like Christmas.  
Saint Nick would burst into tears!  
After all, love does strange things,  
And it might be fashionable in a few years.  
The women's outfits were divine:  
Ginny wore a dress of gold.  
Luna wore a purple pantsuit  
And her radish necklace of old.  
They both made heartfelt speeches,  
They reminisced about their times at school:  
"She was a complete lunatic", Ginny laughed,  
"And I was a slapper as a general rule".  
Meanwhile, Ron was in his bedroom  
(Wanking over Celestina Warbeck).  
Reaching for the tissues at his bedside,  
He cackled: "Their lives I shall wreck!"  
The services finally over,  
The two happy couples went to eat.  
They were unaware of the ticking bombs  
That were about to explode at their feet…


	3. Three

**Author's Notes:  
Here is the last installment! **

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Now, wizards don't like bombs.  
They are magical, it's true:  
But a magical wand is no match for a bomb.  
If you're blown apart, what can you do?

Thankfully, Harry is a trained auror,  
His reflexes always at the ready:  
And just as the bomb stated to explode  
He turned it into a giant teddy!

Luna, (strange girl that she is)  
Was taught about bombs at a young age.  
When it started to tick, she whipped out a pair of scissors…  
She dismantled it, much to Ron's rage.

So, the weddings were thankfully saved,  
And the couples went off on decorated brooms.  
They were waved off with thunderous applause  
And sly comments about hotel rooms.

Ron was absolutely livid!  
Purple with rage, to his broomstick he ran.  
He stamped his feet and cursed the world  
As he formulated a new plan.

But fingers were still slippery  
(He hadn't washed his hands very well).  
Celestina Warbeck would have cried  
As into the darkening sky he fell.

Luna and Ginny were eating dinner in their cottage  
(By candlelight, of course).  
Their peace was disturbed when they heard a scream -  
Ginny said that it was probably just a horse.

Draco and Harry were in the spa pool…  
Get your mind out of the gutter, dirty child!  
When they saw a red blur fall from the sky,  
"Make a wish!" Draco said and smiled.

After dinner, Ginny and Luna headed to bed.  
Their window was open, their plans set.  
When they heard a moan come from somewhere nearby  
Ginny laughed, and said to Luna: "We haven't started yet!"

Their wishes made, Draco pulled off his tie.  
Draco and Harry didn't see Ron after that!  
They were too busy doing *other things*  
To notice what had happened to Harry's hat.

You see, the reason why Ron hated the blonde…  
Well, it's a long tale to tell.  
To cut a long story short, he was in love with the Boy Who Lived  
And of Draco he was jealous as all hell.

Ron was also angry with Ginny.  
He had incestuous leanings, this man.  
The redhead loathed Luna for stealing her away  
And he itched to run her over with a Muggle van.

But he realised, with one broken arm and leg  
(And a bruised rib or two)  
That his plans would never actually succeed,  
And he howled to the sky: "What shall I do?"

In the end, he just stole a momento  
Of each of his loves for kinky role play.  
He took a lock of Ginny's hair, she'd never notice,  
And Harry's hat, and ran away.

The real stories are now coming to a close:  
Harry and Draco bought a huge mansion in Wales.  
Ginny and Luna sailed the sea  
And had orgies with great numbers of females!

That is the story of the two weddings.  
Excuse me while I wipe a tear from my eye…  
JK Rowling is a complete liar:  
There are no more Harry Potter books I shall buy!

Did I forget to mention? They lived happily ever after!  
So get your lazy behind off your seat.  
This story is over, go find your same-sex partner,  
And pray that one day, you and the happy couples shall meet.

(Not for orgies, you filthy pervert).

THE END


End file.
